Exciting News

Yes, I have some exciting life news to share — earlier this year, I began work on a book with the working title of “I Found Jesus Through Anxiety and Depression” with a goal of publishing it in April 2021. It’s been a goal of mine to work on a book just like this, and I’ve got an amazing community of fellow authors and writers to write with and supporting me through the journey. I’ve already sent my editor my first content for feedback (which is exciting and makes this all very real!) My goal of the book is help break the stigma around Mental Health in faith circles.

Over the next few months, I’ll be sharing key pieces of the journey with you — things I’m learning, conversations I’m having, writing and book milestones, and sharing pieces and stories from the book.

And I’d love your help! If you know of anyone who is in the area of Mental Health or a Faith Leader and might be a good interview for the book (even you) please send me a message. That’s one of the most rewarding parts of the experience so far is talking to so many interesting people for and about the book.

Thanks in advance for all the support and here’s to the ups and downs of this journey to write a book!

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Recovery is a Spiral

Progress cannot be a straight line if life is full of twists and turns. Why is it were are told that as long as we are going forward we are moving closer to our destination? If I turn left where I should have turned right, I am getting no closer to my destination by just moving forward. By having this mindset when tracking our recovery progress, we are only setting ourselves up for failure.

I don’t know about you, but I am my own biggest critic. I have a support system I am no where near worthy of, but I cannot tell myself that I am ever doing a good job. No matter how long I am able to go without self-harm behavior or how many days in a row I go without skipping a meal, I cannot see that it has been months longer between episodes or a shorter episode than ever before… All I am able to see is that I have fallen back down the stairs. I have gone backwards. I am not making any progress.

People would tell me that I have not gone back as far as I think and to look at all the progress I have made, but I just saw all the progress I lost.

I recently read this quote from C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity:

We all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.

What if progress doesn’t mean going forward, but it means getting closer to a destination? What if knowing that we took a wrong turn actually helps us get closer to our destination? What if progress is more of a spiral than a straight line.

Well, my friend… then we are rocking it!

I mean think about it with me. When you make a mistake or fall back into old habits, you feel bad and work towards where you were before. You realize the wrong turn and start back to where you were before the turn. You begin to make it closer to your destination. You are making progress. You are well on the road to recovery!

I am so proud of all the hard work you are putting in!

Keep up the hard work. Stay on the Spiral. I am here for you.

Looking in the Mirror

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

-Evil Queen

Today I put on a cute shirt and a new pair of jeans. I straightened my hair and added a little make-up. What I hoped to accomplish was to squash this depressive mood in the bud. But how could I forget how much I hate looking in the mirror?

I can still remember the first time I looked in the mirror and smiled. Sadly, it wasn’t all that long ago. Mostly, looking in the mirror has led to criticizing every part of myself. It leads to a longing to be prettier. Prettier meant skinnier and tanner. I always considered myself the ugly friend, and the mirror always agreed.

I stopped looking in the mirror and started covering all reflective surfaces with cheesy quotes about self-love. This really was only putting a band-aid on the problem. I read the quotes and laughed about them, but when I did look in the mirror I still hear that inner critic. The quotes only made her louder and gave her more material to work with.

Mirrors are not the only time this critic comes out. Stepping on the scale, seeing other girls, and scrolling through social media. My critic thrives in these environments. I, on the other hand, only feel worse.

The church thinks responding to issues like this by telling people that their bodies are a temple and they should cherish it. They tell people we aren’t to be envious of others. They tell us we all have been created by God. What they don’t understand is all these “solutions” only transfer one problem into another.

Now not only do we not appreciate ourselves, but we also realize how we are failing in our faith. No, I don’t think the church realizes this is happening. In fact, I know they have well meant intentions, but we are struggling. We don’t need reasons why we should love ourselves. Most of us know that we should. What we need is someone willing to walk alongside us while we struggle with learning to love ourselves.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

© 2020 Kay Smeal

Self-harm doesn’t mean suicidal

A very common misconception is that a person who self-harms is suicidal. While a person who has suicidal tendencies may have a history of self-harm, there is not a direct correlation between self-harm and suicidal tendencies. Actually the core motivation behind the two are actually quite different.

Those who self-harm do so for various reasons: to feel again, to punish themselves, or to release all the feelings they have bottled up inside. All of these come from a desire to cope with whatever it is they are experiencing. In fact, recently they have changed self-harm language to NSSI (Non-suicidal self injury). Here it is literally in the name not suicidal.

Those who do experience suicidal tendencies have a distorted view of what the future looks like and do not see an end to whatever it is they are experiencing. There is no desire to cope because they do not see any other way. Suicidal tendencies are not a coping mechanism; they are a way out.

Assuming everyone who self-harms is suicidal is not only wrong but it can be incredibly dangerous. The reason why a person is harming themselves and the emotions they are experiencing are tossed to the wayside while they are interrogated about suicidal thoughts. Leaving a person in their discomfort and inability to cope healthily can lead to feeling there is no way out, but it can be prevented from getting that far.

**Trigger warning**Story of how I have experienced people convinced self-harm is suicidal**

 

I started down the road of self-harm at about the average age of 13. It was not until high school that people began to realize that I was coping through self-harm. The excuses were not lining up with the type of injury and the frequency set off some flags.

I mainly scratched at my skin until it bleed, but that didn’t always provide the necessary relief. it also caused quite a bit more scaring than when I experimented with other tactics. Once I started college I realized that I wasn’t coping healthily and began to reach out for help.

It was when I started reaching out for help that I was meant with people relating self-harm to a sin because I was purposely maiming the temple of God. Those who weren’t condemning me wouldn’t believe me that I wasn’t suicidal. They were throwing readings at me that told me that I was looking for death because I was cutting. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

For me I cut to gain control. I cut to release the mass of emotions that build up inside of me. I cut because I cannot get myself out of the spiral of thoughts. I cut so I can get outside of these feelings and move back to the happiness I was at before all this happened. I cut so I can move on.

Please note I am not validating those who cut. I am not saying that it is something you should do. Please know that cutting is an unhealthy way to cope, but it is a coping mechanism for so many. Those who cut do need help finding new ways to cope. Healthier ways to gain control of themselves and the emotions that have completely flooded their systems.

Please know if you have not reached out to someone, I am here. Send me an email, message me on social media, comment. Whatever it is that you feel comfortable with. I am here for you and so are so many others. You are loved!

The God Who Stays- Matthew West

 When the going gets tough, we find it hard to believe God hasn’t given up on us. We find it hard to believe because we feel like giving up on ourselves. When we feel broken, we don’t see the reason of pushing on nor do we see the possibility of being fixed again. God is the God who stays.

We tend to feel ashamed and we hide from the people around us. We attempt to hide from God as well, but it is not possible to hide from God. If you have tried, you know this is true. God is the God who stays.

The truth is that nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39). Nothing we have done, said, or thought can separate us from the love of God. No one has the power to remove us from the presence of God. No matter how hard we try to hide from God, God is still there. God is the God who stays.

God is the God who stays. God is always welcoming us with open arms. God is there even when we feel the most alone. God is always reminding us that nothing can separate us from God’s love. God is the God who stays.

How do you know God is the God who stays?

November 13, 2019 “Working on Us” Week #23 Mental Health Blogging Community-Mental Health Series, Topic: Medications

Becky’s Mental Mess Original Post!

Help Break The Stigma Surrounding Mental Health

Question Prompt:

1. When you first were diagnosed with your mental illness/disorder, did it take a while to get used to your medications that were prescribed to you?  If you answer the question, (YES), How did you feel initially? I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression during my freshman year of college, but wasn’t immediately put on medication. It was during my third year of college that I was started on medication for anxiety and depression and then also diagnosed with PTSD.
2. Depending on how long you have been on medication, how many times do you think it has been adjusted to make you feel stable? I was very lucky when I first got put on medication, that the original dose was enough to keep me stable for a long time. However, in the recent year, I have had my medications adjusted like 4-5 times just to keep stable.
3. Have you ever had a bad reaction to medication? Again, I am thankful here, that I have not had a bad reaction to medication.
4. Have you ever suffered withdrawals from a certain type of medication, and if so… What type was it? I made it very clear in the beginning of starting medication, that I did not ever want to be too attached to medication that I would have these symptoms, so no I have not had withdrawal symptoms.
5. Do you work closely with your doctor in regards to your medication intake?  (In other words, do you have a good relationship with your doctor?) My Psychiatrist is the one I work closely with in regards to my medication intake. I currently meet with my psychiatrist every week, but have normally met with him every month. So, in other words, I have a really good relationship with my doctor.
6. Since your diagnosis, have you ever tried to not take medication and see if you can handle your symptoms of mental illness/disorders on your own?  If so, how did that work out for you? I have frequently stopped my medications to see if I can handle it on my own. But what I think is important to mention here is that the reason I feel so ready to battle my anxiety/depression on my own is because my medication has me super stable, so once that medication is out of my system, I go back to not being as stable and quickly realize that I still need to be on my medications.
7. Tell us briefly how medication has affected your life? I never wanted to be put on medication due to the stigma, but I cannot even put all of the benefits of being on medication in this post without writing way too much. However, it has kept me at a relatively non-anxious state-of-mind. It has lessened the depressive episodes and decreased the length of said episodes. I have been able to start to love myself for who I am and not who I think I should be.

Picture Prompt:

What do you see and how does it make you feel when you see this picture? This picture is kind of sad. It shows the fact that medicine has definitely been a push by the big pharmaceutical companies in order to make more money… This also means that the price of necessary medications go way up.

Rules:

• Write your own post and create a pingback to the original post here.
• There are no right or wrong answers.  Write in any format you see fit.  (Answer’s, fiction, non-fiction, poetry, poem, short prose…anything, and/or narrative).
• You can do one or all prompts.

• You have from November 13th. through November 19th. to submit your entries.

• Please reblog the original post in order to spread more awareness.

• ( If you the blogger have a suggestion/question you want to ask in the future weeks, please submit them in the comment section of this post).

• Let’s see if we can get some men involved in this week’s prompts, your viewpoint/feelings are validated here too!

• Plus, as an added bonus, whoever responds to the following prompts will automatically be reblogged to promote your blog site and spread more awareness!

Don’t Carry the Burden Alone

“Let them judge the people at all times, and let it be that every major dispute they will bring to you, but every minor dispute they themselves will judge So it will be easier for you, and they will bear the burden with you.” -Exodus 18:22

Let me set the stage of this passage for you. Moses is appointed judge over all his people. At this point, Moses’ father-in-law is coming to visit. This visit doesn’t relieve Moses of his duty as judge. He was sitting as judge all day, by himself.

Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, questioned Moses on why he was doing this huge task alone. Moses answered that his people needed him. Jethro offered Moses some advice. He said that Moses should appoint some of his people as advisers to oversee the small disputes. The large disputes would still be brought to Moses, but he wouldn’t be carrying the burden alone.

What burden are you carrying alone? Are you like Moses and taking on responsibilities that could be delegated? Are you holding on to secrets you feel you can’t share with anyone? Are you finding daily tasks to be your burden?

Whatever the burden is for you, you are not meant to carry it alone. There are people out there that will rejoice in being able to help you. There is a God who is waiting for you to hand it over, so you are not carrying it alone. Start by laying it at the foot of the cross.

I know that reaching out is scary and usually avoided, but there are people out there who will listen to you and love you all the same. I am not saying that everyone is going to accept your story in a non-judgmental way. i wish I could promise you just the opposite, but I can’t.

Those people are the minority though. The majority of people want to see you succeed. I want to see you succeed.

What burdens will you be placing down to allow others to help you carry?

Prayer:

God, our strength comes from You. Sometimes we carry burdens that are too heavy for us to carry alone. Give us the strength to ask for help, guide us in reaching out to others, and comfort us in our decisions. Lord, You never meant for us to suffer alone. You never leave us even in the toughest times. Thank You God.

Amen.

© 2019 Kiersten Smeal

The Bible is Triggering

The Bible is triggering. There is no content warning in the Bible.

All too often we look up a piece of scripture and we are surprised at what we find. We find examples of the very traumas that we have experienced, our friends/family have experienced, or we witnessed happen to someone we may or may not know. Reading these accounts between the front and back covers of the Bible does not make the discovery any less triggering.

Does this mean that we have to stop reading the scriptures? Absolutely not. It just means that we have to change the ways that we read the scriptures. Here are a few ways we can do that:

1. Before we jump into a passage of scripture, look it up. You will be able to find out what the passage is about without reading the events themselves. This is like looking up the content warning for each passage before we read them.
2. Read scripture in community. A community of those who have similar experiences or a group of people that have no idea what you’ve been experienced. There is more likely to be a trigger warning when reading in community, and in community you can find support if you are triggered. You won’t be exposed to this trigger in solitude.

Most importantly, do not feel that your faith is lacking or that you are in someway doing something wrong when you find a trigger in scripture.

Please know that you are not alone. Many Christians struggle with the triggers in scriptures. Many non-Christians struggle with the triggers in scriptures. The Bible is triggering, so where is the content warning?

 

What has been helpful for you when dealing with triggers in the Bible? 

© 2019 Kiersten Smeal